someone to love

Lots of things, really bad things happened to me back in that time: like for example when I was trying to come out from a bus and there was no handles. So I literally fell out from it and the bad thing was – there were two guys who just parted to let me to fall down to asphalt more “comfortable”, it was realty painful physically and mentally. Why I still remember it? I don't want!

So I was really surprised and couldn't believe that someone (it was my future husband) paid close attention to me. It wasn't distrust to my beloved husband it was really distrust to myself. It just couldn't be. Ever. I thought at first that he did like people earlier in my life did. One person just plaid me like he liked me or something, I believed him. I really thought there was some kind of chemistry between us. All that was just to have fun later in front of his friends; he was laughing at me. It was painful, very and led me to this distrust and lowered my self-esteem to floor level. I was really afraid to be a person to laugh at. Again.
So now someone really paying that much attention to me. Not a fake attention, I felt probably desperate need to believe in it so I did. I started to believe that it was real. It was with me. Well, then real big fear came to my life. I was afraid that one day he would discover what kind of person I was (clumsy and bungler) and throw me out of his life. I was really scared at this point, I was afraid be alone again. And not only that I already was connected to him in every way possible so to throw me would mean to literally kill me. It was not nice place to be in actually. As much as I learned already how to be alone as much I wanted someone in my life to give my love I did have at that point but I didn't have opportunity to share it. I wanted desperately to love and to be loved.
And then he made me believe that he was not going to go away. I don't exactly remember at what point in my life I realized that no one was going to throw me out. It was a happiest day in my life!