Be happy!

Happy. Be happy. What is it? How to get there? Is it something everybody can have?

I thought about that for so long and so many times this topic just appeared in my head.
Here is what I believe. You and only you can decide be happy or miserable the rest of your life. You and only you can make steps in this direction. Your happiness depends only on you. Nobody else could make you happy. Nobody. If you don’t want that – nobody would ever succeed on making you happy.
I love my husband, I love my life generally. And I do want to be happy because I really truly believe I deserve it; because every person on this Earth deserves it. Every person on Earth could get it with no doubts.

Of course there is no fairy tail for everybody, but what is definite though and never ever change is just that every person on the face of this Earth get a chance. Chance for success, chance for true love, chance for happiness and the thing is to be ready, really ready with your mind and your body to take it.
Every human being is getting ready for this chance all his first life, sometimes there could be several chances. The human just has to have really opened eyes to see it. Really opened ears to hear it and really opened mind to feel it.
So first – you have to see it, second you have to be real ready for it and third – just take it easy. Jump on it but not abuse it.

And finally when you get big return everybody say that you’re just lucky. Accept it. Yes, you are. Only you actually know what it takes to be that lucky. Enjoy it :)

e are my little thing which I used to do to stay relatively strong without any medications. I used to do it and maybe somebody could use it too and stay strong :)))))))))
Every day (morning before breakfast) I go to gym. In the morning because I’m getting real bad fatigue usually so exercising after work is just impossible for me. But I do need exercise on my legs and arms. I need to move my legs (treadmill) because I’m sitting a lot. As I mentioned before I used top use wheelchair more and more so just to help it not to get too weak. And of course I need my arms to be real strong so that ion case of falling I could hold myself.
And as weird as it sounds I decrease my tremors by shooting. I really didn’t expect such an effect at all. You supposed to have strong hold and everything just to shoot good. But not other way around and I went other way around. Amazing!

Tamara

I can't stop thinking about her.

This woman from my birth country. Tamara Cheremnova /she is Russian and all this text is in Russian/. She is so strong and unbelievably happy, just kind of abnormal happy for her exact circumstances.

She was born on 1955. Almost right after (she was like about 2-3 year of age) she was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. It's terribly scary diagnosis by itself. But in addition to that she was given another one, even more terrible for her. She was named as retarded person. When she was 6 years old her parents just give up on her, because they couldn't give her appropriate care and so on. She was put in special school where she wasn't given any basic education at all. She didn't know how to write, how to read, basically she just didn't know anything by default.

And what made it really terrible for her, she was put in environment where she just couldn't get any education. Nobody really cared about those kids, nobody really tried to give them anything useful, anything to help them, they weren't feeling love. It's terrible thing, terrible. Love is what helps people to live basically. And they didn't have that.

But Tamara got real lucky because every terrible environment has little room for exclusion. There was one “crazy” teacher. Everybody just made fun of her like she was crazy. She tried to do for kids what they were not given by society – love. This “crazy” teacher taughtTamara some basic things, she read lots of books for Tamara. That was how Tamara got to the point of being a writer. But was still in that environment she needed to deal with. There was no “fairy tail” for her.

Even more then that she was kind of bullied by others (her "care givers"!!) all the time. Her basic rights were kind of stolen at that point. I really don't know and Tamara is telling same, even she doesn't know it for sure, how she surviving all that.

Well, one day she could get the second opinion and that most scary diagnosis was a history for her. She wasn't retarded any more, that “crazy” teacher actually helped Tamara to get that.

But what drove Tamara? What made her stay alive? She is a writer. She writes children books, she can't do it herself sometimes because of tremors and sudden moves but there are some wonderful people helping her. Now she is becoming kind of famous, but people who reads her books, people who actually making her famous don't really know that she is disabled. In their eyes she is just a wonderful person with big talent. That what she actually wanted all her previous life.

But what makes me real sad that she is still asking herself “why I'm here?” “who really needs me?” “who will ever appreciate what I do?”. Those are kind of questions lots of people asking themselves. The difference is that she really feeling like it. There is no point of light. Nothing. Just empty space.

I really understandf that because I was there for too long. Right now I found a oplace on Earth for my soul, I'm trying to find myself in this World. Identify myself. But her..............

I don't know the answer to any of those questions. I'm really afraid to tell her anything, because I'm in tears now and I don't want to burst into tears in front of her.

She is still in between the worlds of "nothing" and "happy". "Happy" is a really state of mind. And she decided to be happy. She decided............But is she?

I have very little to say this time around.
Sometimes I ran into story of what I could experience but didn't (Thanks God!) and it makes me feel a mix of everything. Sadness, madness, happiness: but overall happiness anyway. I just love my life so much and thankful for what I've got so far. And I do feel for those people.

But when I hear stories from people with disabilities in my birth country (yes, right now it's not a "home country" it's just birth country) I realize that I would never ever go back. This country is just not for me.

You can say I’m kind of queen or something but the reason for saying that is pretty simple. I just got my new spectacular life and just want to eat it, drink it, smell it, experience things in it, be wild sometimes, be a kid (I should say again but really for the first time for me). Oh yes, I’m kind of greedy person – greedy for life I’ve never had. While others were busy having fun with something I was busy surviving. So now I want it all: life with fun, with disappointments, with everything in between.

I learn the hard way that the only way I get to be taken care of is if I’m in charge and of course my perfect husband. Well. I could be harsh on people probably but it’s simply because I’m in learning curve of how to socialize.
I was always most bullied, easiest target I would say. So I never really had friends. I’m just learning how to make those now :) Hope I’m good student here :)

Well, I just can't be sad too long :) Obviously.

my big passion

I have a big passion now. Photography. Too bad I don't have enough time - I could spend days doing photos. Taking picture with the camera is not only one step. If you really want a great photo - you should spend lots of time reading theory on that. And photoshoping: not making stuff up but cropping, cleaning from "noise" and stuff just making your unique picture even more beautiful. This takes time.
I love this kind of stuff probably because it’s a part of life. Especially here in Alaska, I think it’s a crime not to try to capture the beauty around you. As they say – you don’t need to go anywhere just stand in one place and spinning your body with the camera in your hands. You can easily end up with hundreds of beautiful pictures.

Of course I couldn’t do anything without my husband. He helps me always and I’m just happy that he loves this thing too. So helping me here is not something he got to do but doesn’t really want.

irony of life

The irony of my life is that my granddad had the thing I have. Different reason though, he was a parachute coach during World War II. He had lots of jumps and doing that stuff he damaged his spine. Well, he was clumsy and all other things (not everything I have though) but he got laugh at a lot. And I was the one (I believe only one) who didn’t laugh at him. Even more I helped him the way I could anyway. I love my granddad, he passed away but I know he is in a better place now and looking down at me. I’m sure he likes what he sees I caught my dream for the tail J He was paralyzed at the end of his life, not whole body but legs. Well he was an optimist big time. I believe you could spend your entire life and not get that but he did. Really truly did. He was very involved all the time, especcially impressive it was when wasn't phisically able to gon places. He didn't have wheelchair (how sad) so he was "tied up" to his bed. But anyway - he was listening to the radio, he was reading lots of newspapers, books, he aws playing with crosswords, he was a Big Guy. I mean not his phisical body but his spirit.

Later in a life I got involved in volunteer work with disabled people. War veterans, disabled from birth but I really admired those people. Sometimes I felt like I look from bottom to top of a person, not how it was physically. Most of them were on wheelchairs. Some were with ruined arms by bombs and grenades. But they all are great people.

And now here I am. On a wheelchair more and more, first I got there only “for a moment”. And now it’s a part of my life.
Another thing what amazes me right now that when I was a kid I was listening “tails” about Grand Canyon, Hawaii and I thought that I want there so bad. But I would never get there. Well, I’ve been to Grand Canyon and Hawaii :)
OMG I’m so happy that I my little “never” dreams came true! And even more then that.

Thank you God for heping me to get here!!!

how do I do it

The secret is actually no secret. The life is in movement.
You keep moving no matter what, you fell down but you got to get up and keep going.
I have bruises all over my body :) like a teenager :) Most of the time I don't even know how and where I've gotten them :) And the point is that you just try to ignore it at least I do. It's just a part of my life that's all.

I do hate those buttons on the clothes :) But just try to play with little balls in hand all the time - this way you keep you hands ready. Having two or three balls at a time try them to keep in the hand without helping by other hand, just playing with it with fingers.
And for the balance my physio therapist showed me a cool exercise: you lay on the back on the half-round beam on the floor with your legs bended in knees resting on the floor. Then try to balance your body on that with you hands resting on the floor. Then lift up in the air both hands slowly, one then another, then both. It won't grow back my cerebellum but it definitely teaches other parts of my brain do the job.

To train my balance in the gym I do treadmill as long as I can (about 15 min) walking not hanging to the handle. But it has to be there anyway because whatever happens (sudden move or something) I got to be able to grab something quickly.

Another thing I do in the gym is to do cranches side ways (using 45 Degree Hyperextension Bench). I lay on the machine sideways and lift my body trying to keep balance. It's hard, very hard for me, but iI'm pushing myself here trying to improve my balance skills.

Another machine I always use is lat-pull-down, I only do it standing up for (again) impoving my balance skills. To keep my hands strong in case of falling down - lifting weights.

And…….Of course you have to be kind of spiritual. I’m not that religious (you know formalized religion just not my thing) but it doesn’t stop me from being spiritual. God created me that way means God had a reason to put me trough all I went trough. I was strong enough actually not to get to hate all the world, not to grab the gun and just shoot all people because they hurt me in the past. Thi9s strength God gave me. And I’m very grateful for that. I think because I took all that and managed it somehow I got rewarded. My life now is a big reward.

I love my life! Thank you God for giving me that!

my great husband

What I realized from my own experience and reading others people thoughts on this. It’s that if you have something making different it's just critical to have a partner which is always there for you. Not just understanding that you're different and needs a different approach, but helping you be yourself.
That what my great husband is for me. He is helping me be myself: it's just priceless. He gives me the opportunity to do things I've never been able to do. Like for example simple thing: when I was a kid I was dreaming about big excitement. Like let's say roller coasters were just out of my reach always. Because my physical condition I just couldn't do that childish thing :)
So that trim to Orlando Disney world was kind of revenge for me :) I was with my husband what could stop me from doing that? Nothing. So I got so much adrenalin in my blood - the amount I supposed to get from all childhood I guess :) And another thing: I was so happy to be able to walk around ALL DAY long. OMG it was unbelievable. Really, because 20-30 minutes for me usually is about all I could do; because of my fatigue. But being able to enjoy myself all day long is priceless.
I do have one dream though nobody (even my great husband) can do for me. Since I was a little child I was dreaming about it. Like I was wearing “princess” dress with lots of layers that it goes almost a trapezium from my waist. Wearing hills (I can never wear a hills in million years, I can’t even stand in them) and dancing waltz with nice violin on background with my great husband as a partner. It’s a just a dream which can never be a reality, but hey having a dream means I’m still alive and well :)