Be happy!

Happy. Be happy. What is it? How to get there? Is it something everybody can have?

I thought about that for so long and so many times this topic just appeared in my head.
Here is what I believe. You and only you can decide be happy or miserable the rest of your life. You and only you can make steps in this direction. Your happiness depends only on you. Nobody else could make you happy. Nobody. If you don’t want that – nobody would ever succeed on making you happy.
I love my husband, I love my life generally. And I do want to be happy because I really truly believe I deserve it; because every person on this Earth deserves it. Every person on Earth could get it with no doubts.

Of course there is no fairy tail for everybody, but what is definite though and never ever change is just that every person on the face of this Earth get a chance. Chance for success, chance for true love, chance for happiness and the thing is to be ready, really ready with your mind and your body to take it.
Every human being is getting ready for this chance all his first life, sometimes there could be several chances. The human just has to have really opened eyes to see it. Really opened ears to hear it and really opened mind to feel it.
So first – you have to see it, second you have to be real ready for it and third – just take it easy. Jump on it but not abuse it.

And finally when you get big return everybody say that you’re just lucky. Accept it. Yes, you are. Only you actually know what it takes to be that lucky. Enjoy it :)

e are my little thing which I used to do to stay relatively strong without any medications. I used to do it and maybe somebody could use it too and stay strong :)))))))))
Every day (morning before breakfast) I go to gym. In the morning because I’m getting real bad fatigue usually so exercising after work is just impossible for me. But I do need exercise on my legs and arms. I need to move my legs (treadmill) because I’m sitting a lot. As I mentioned before I used top use wheelchair more and more so just to help it not to get too weak. And of course I need my arms to be real strong so that ion case of falling I could hold myself.
And as weird as it sounds I decrease my tremors by shooting. I really didn’t expect such an effect at all. You supposed to have strong hold and everything just to shoot good. But not other way around and I went other way around. Amazing!

Tamara

I can't stop thinking about her.

This woman from my birth country. Tamara Cheremnova /she is Russian and all this text is in Russian/. She is so strong and unbelievably happy, just kind of abnormal happy for her exact circumstances.

She was born on 1955. Almost right after (she was like about 2-3 year of age) she was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. It's terribly scary diagnosis by itself. But in addition to that she was given another one, even more terrible for her. She was named as retarded person. When she was 6 years old her parents just give up on her, because they couldn't give her appropriate care and so on. She was put in special school where she wasn't given any basic education at all. She didn't know how to write, how to read, basically she just didn't know anything by default.

And what made it really terrible for her, she was put in environment where she just couldn't get any education. Nobody really cared about those kids, nobody really tried to give them anything useful, anything to help them, they weren't feeling love. It's terrible thing, terrible. Love is what helps people to live basically. And they didn't have that.

But Tamara got real lucky because every terrible environment has little room for exclusion. There was one “crazy” teacher. Everybody just made fun of her like she was crazy. She tried to do for kids what they were not given by society – love. This “crazy” teacher taughtTamara some basic things, she read lots of books for Tamara. That was how Tamara got to the point of being a writer. But was still in that environment she needed to deal with. There was no “fairy tail” for her.

Even more then that she was kind of bullied by others (her "care givers"!!) all the time. Her basic rights were kind of stolen at that point. I really don't know and Tamara is telling same, even she doesn't know it for sure, how she surviving all that.

Well, one day she could get the second opinion and that most scary diagnosis was a history for her. She wasn't retarded any more, that “crazy” teacher actually helped Tamara to get that.

But what drove Tamara? What made her stay alive? She is a writer. She writes children books, she can't do it herself sometimes because of tremors and sudden moves but there are some wonderful people helping her. Now she is becoming kind of famous, but people who reads her books, people who actually making her famous don't really know that she is disabled. In their eyes she is just a wonderful person with big talent. That what she actually wanted all her previous life.

But what makes me real sad that she is still asking herself “why I'm here?” “who really needs me?” “who will ever appreciate what I do?”. Those are kind of questions lots of people asking themselves. The difference is that she really feeling like it. There is no point of light. Nothing. Just empty space.

I really understandf that because I was there for too long. Right now I found a oplace on Earth for my soul, I'm trying to find myself in this World. Identify myself. But her..............

I don't know the answer to any of those questions. I'm really afraid to tell her anything, because I'm in tears now and I don't want to burst into tears in front of her.

She is still in between the worlds of "nothing" and "happy". "Happy" is a really state of mind. And she decided to be happy. She decided............But is she?

I have very little to say this time around.
Sometimes I ran into story of what I could experience but didn't (Thanks God!) and it makes me feel a mix of everything. Sadness, madness, happiness: but overall happiness anyway. I just love my life so much and thankful for what I've got so far. And I do feel for those people.

But when I hear stories from people with disabilities in my birth country (yes, right now it's not a "home country" it's just birth country) I realize that I would never ever go back. This country is just not for me.

You can say I’m kind of queen or something but the reason for saying that is pretty simple. I just got my new spectacular life and just want to eat it, drink it, smell it, experience things in it, be wild sometimes, be a kid (I should say again but really for the first time for me). Oh yes, I’m kind of greedy person – greedy for life I’ve never had. While others were busy having fun with something I was busy surviving. So now I want it all: life with fun, with disappointments, with everything in between.

I learn the hard way that the only way I get to be taken care of is if I’m in charge and of course my perfect husband. Well. I could be harsh on people probably but it’s simply because I’m in learning curve of how to socialize.
I was always most bullied, easiest target I would say. So I never really had friends. I’m just learning how to make those now :) Hope I’m good student here :)

Well, I just can't be sad too long :) Obviously.